Secure isn't boring


A reader, Graham, who commented on my post ‘What It’s Like Being With an Emotionally Secure Partner has allowed me to share his comment:

“I found this article so reassuring. I am 73, on my own, and dating a senior woman. Before I met her, I had 13 first dates, 5 second dates, no third date. I was kicked to the curb by every one of them, sometimes for quixotic reasons.

Then I met Angela.

I was starting...hell, I was knee-deep in self-doubt, wondering what was wrong with me. Our first date was absolutely blind. One short e-mail each to start. We meet for long walks, because of covid and because her wee dog loves them. I was beginning to worry just a bit because things were moving smoothly but so slowly.

I was thinking that I am too calm, too stable, too other words, boring... and that she would dump me sooner or later. Out of the blue, last week, she asked me "Do you know what I love about you?" I was barely able to choke out "Tell me". She told me that I was authentic , a man true to his word, emotionally stable, reliable, kind-hearted and so, so calm...a grown-up man, she said, all that she hoped for.

Thank you for confirming Angela's wisdom.”

I loved this comment because… Well, I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again:

Secure isn’t boring.

If you have a secure attachment style, you are not a boring person.

Secure attachment and relationships = healthy and normal. Let’s normalise this.

Feeling anxious constantly, jealousy, holding onto partners for dear life or pushing others away when they get too close = not healthy.

No, insecure attachment doesn’t make you a bad person. Not at all.

But we need to realise that as stimulating, exciting or ‘passionate’ as rollercoaster relationships can feel, they aren’t healthy.

The 5 qualities of a secure, healthy relationship, according to Dr Amir Levine, are:

C = consistent
A = available
R = reliable
R = responsive
P = predictable

2 Ways to Enhance Your Secure Attachment Skills in Love

Relationships aren’t meant to give you emotional whiplash. One minute the relationship is filled with affection and love, the next you’re left wondering why they’re ignoring you (or vice versa!)

Being with someone shouldn’t feel like you’re on a rollercoaster. But we think it is if that’s what we’re used to. Stability and predictability can feel boring when you have insecure attachment.

In the words of Dr Diane Poole Heller,

“Even if we didn’t grow up with secure attachment, we can learn it later.”

Here’s a quick post with 2 things, from Dr Heller, you can start working on to enhance your secure attachment skills in your relationships.

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Happy Feb, hope it’s a good month for you!